Reflections on Marriage and Relationships
Divorce, for better or worse? (Aug 5th 2010)
Too often people head down the divorce path without getting some good marriage advice. If more people did seek out some good relationship counseling then they might save themselves a lot of heartache and money. They might also help reduce the pain for themselves and their children (young or older). There is no doubt in my mind that some couples need to get divorced and there is also no doubt in my mind that many couples can work their marriage around and create a happier relationship. Marriage is a tough relationship and requires work. When it seems there is little hope, a couple would be wise to seek out a good Marriage and Family Therapist. If they have kids and are not 100% sure then my advice would be to try keep themselves on the marriage side of mid-way between marriage and divorce.
Why try to save marriage?
Because they are in a serious contract and have children and a whole life style. Before changing their status they need to get objective relationship counseling and marriage advice and, if they are healthy people, the outcome will be more life giving and help minimize the damage and pain.
For those who learn and decide to stay together:
Through the therapeutic endeavor they will learn more about themselves and how to enhance their personal lives and marriage relationship. Too often couples have carried unhealthy ways of dealing with life into their marriages and then tend to think that their partner is the cause of all pain. Not true! The pain that I have seen in marriage is mutually caused. It is a dynamic that the couple have become entrenched in. In therapy they see some of their own issues more clearly and speak about needs they have. Now they learn to approach each other differently and this can help them build love and connection anew. This is what most of us want.
For those who learn and decide to divorce:
They too have learned a lot about themselves and the dynamic that they have mutually created. They too have learned of the need to express needs and of the impact of their past on the present. However, they see that the relationship is not a viable one and move towards divorce. In most of the cases I have dealt with it is one person who usually ends up coming to that conclusion first. There is a lot of pain for both people because their dream is coming to an end. Now they enter divorce with more understanding and try to reduce blame. They will be more inclined to approach the divorce process less angrily and this will reduce the potential for escalation of anger in divorcing. This will minimize their costs in money, time and emotions. Most importantly, they will reduce the pain for their children. The divorcing couple are in a better position to approach the co-parenting of their children into the future. The kids will feel less torn between the parents and structures will be developed to try help the kids feel they still have 2 loving parents who are going to continue to look after their needs. Divorce is change and changes usually involve some pain. As I work with and listen to my clients I know that parents hurt their kids much more than divorce. Making accusations, talking disrespectfully to or about the other parent, sending bad messages through the children, not allowing the kids easy access to the other parent, court battles, etc. are the things that damage the children’s lives the most. The Collaborative Law approach to divorce can also greatly help reduce escalation and pain, if you make sure to choose the a truly Collaborative attorney. All attorneys are not the same. Interview them and choose wisely because this is a huge milestone in your life and the lives of your children!
Infidelity in Marriage. (June 22nd 2010)
Why did you do it? How could you do this to me and the kids? What were you thinking? Do you love me? Can I ever trust you again? Was our relationship a lie? Etc. I have listened to so many couples coming for marriage advice and relationship counseling after infidelity and the questions are many. No couple is ever the same as another and yet there are some similar situations around the experience of infidelity in marriage. Often we are lead to believe that it is only bad people who have affairs and yet I can say that my experience has been quite the contrary. I think most people can accept that the action of having an affair is bad, as it violates the bonds and contract of marriage. Marriage is a relationship with huge expectations and when the expectation of fidelity is broken the pain is immense. Many people will decide to divorce and others will move on with the marriage and never really deal with or try understand the trauma that has occurred. Most of my work has been with couples who want to try understand what has happened, forgive and see if they can find a way to save their relationship. These are the couples that I am talking about here. They usually come in with very intense emotions and wonder if they can turn things around. Often the person who had the affair is guilt-ridden and wants to leave the whole thing behind and move on. They can be frustrated that their partner is unable to do likewise. The partner is often deeply wounded and angry and unsure whether they can ever again trust their spouse. They doubt every aspect of the relationship and the affair seems to block out or call into question any positive relationship attributes. As time moves on I find that the vast bulk of couples come to understand their life and relationship differently. I see them leave with a relationship that is more communicative than it has ever been. They don’t forget, nor should they. They learn more about what they want from a relationship. The person who had the affair accepts that it was a poor choice they made, that could have destroyed the marriage they want. The couple both put more effort into how they relate and develop more openness with their feelings, needs and desires. My experience has been that this couple ends up with a relationship that, ironically, is deeper than it has ever been.
Traumas are never desirable (including an affair) but when they are worked through healthily, can often immensely increase our understanding.
The Child Within! (May 12th 2010)
Some of the Pop Psychology literature that abounds in our modern world, irritates me. One of the terms that is too often bandied around is 'The Inner Child' and yet it is my experience that the child within us needs to be seen and healed. The damage done to our development in childhood is very real and often leads to pain in our relationships. Some book writers will spend forever on the subject and act as though there is some magical cure to deal with this pain. Some other writers will suggest that we need to ignore this pain and move on. I would say it is of great help to look at the pain and try understand its possible impacts on our present life so that we can better move on.
What is the message you got from the eyes of your primary care givers? What did you come to accept as your role in life? Do you often sense there is more to you than others seem to realize? I'm thinking of a client who found it hard to be vulnerable with her husband because her parents constantly attacked her; A woman who finds her sexuality suffocated because she was always expected to be the 'good girl'; A couple who cannot come to resolution of their differences because they idolized their parents non-conflict relationship. Where did you learn how to express intimacy? Do you ever blow up or shut down and do you still tend to say the other person 'made' you?
It is good for us, in relationship, if we can start to explain that some of our problems with the other person has a lot to do with our childhood experiences. We take more responsibility for our emotions and actions. Our awareness will not necessarily stop the behavior but will reduce the frequency or intensity of the problematic action.
Perception is not the Whole Truth! (April 16th 2010)
'The way I see things', is a good way to talk about my viewpoint. Too often we tend to think that we have the whole truth. I find that I need to help clients accept that their perception is understandable and yet it usually is not the truth about another person or situation. It is the 'way' they see. Often when people are in the middle of an experience they find it very hard to realize that their perception is very limited. We tell teenagers this, when they feel so sure about how they see things, but we don't often enough, question our own feelings and views. It's always useful to try step back, pause, reflect, take another's opinion into account. The mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain! We need to talk about how we see things and feel about things and we also need to keep ourselves open to different observations. I have experienced people traumatized by events in their lives and struggling to believe that their view of life and experiences will change. It could be death, illness, extreme conflict with family, an affair, divorce, or one of the other many things that happen in life. At those times I have witnessed how perception can get fixed and stress and pain continue or increase. As people start to work through these experiences in therapy their perceptions are modified and their behaviors too. It's often hard to estimate how long it will take but when it does begin to occur the change alleviates some of the suffering and stress. The initial problem has not been altered but the perception has. Truth is rarely, if ever, a given but is an evolving thing or process. In that sense, the truth can set us free.
In Vulnerability is Growth! (March 12th 2010)
When we try to communicate with each other we often think that the things we are doing are pure communication, whatever that is. I notice that I and the people I work with do not appreciate enough that there is a transmitter and receiver and both have a huge history. This history is an integral part of how we express and perceive. It is so easy to make assumptions or accusations about the other person's communication to us. Many times I observe a person refusing to change their perception and holding on tenaciously to the assumptions/interpretations they have. I have seen this stop a couple having sex for years, until their view changes. I have watched a family lose connection with one of its members because of the lack of information from that person and the entrenched views of the other family members. One of the best ways we can make the communication better is by taking a stance of ignorance. We need to keep asking for clarification and feeding back what we think we are hearing, so the other can help us understand more. It is difficult for us to be open to others and the more we talk, in the way I am saying, the more we have to reveal about ourselves. That is often one of the most difficult things for us to do but it is worth it. It won't always make the relationship better but it will help us to be clear about whether this relationship can work. We need to remember that vulnerability in relationship is growth in intimacy or clarification of the need for change.
Try Something Different! (February 25th 2010)
People often try to get the connection they strongly desire and cannot understand why their attempts don't get them what they've been looking for. This can be a single person or someone in a marriage relationship. I am not talking about someone with huge problems in life but the average guy or gal who feels they are not finding the intimate relationship they would love and that they feel a need for. As I listen and reflect on so many life stories, from the outside, it seems that the efforts people put in are great but often have remained the same for years. Too often the same action/approach is taken even though that action has never produced what we are looking for. It's the definition of insanity and it is a common trait. A good example would be the person who has always tried to look after the needs of others and wonders why someone doesn't put the same effort to looking after them. I have found that these people have tended NOT to make clear to others what they need/want/desire. Until they become aware of this tendency and start trying to change it, they will rarely (if ever) have the connection their heart longs for. It is not a matter of being selfish but of healthy self care. How can anyone love you if they don't really understand what you need? The best relationship approaches I have observed are with a people who understand and feel understood, give and take, carry and are carried, etc. No one knows exactly what YOU need to do differently but we know that doing the same thing will perpetuate what you don't want. Trying different things/approaches has more potential for creating the change!